Here is part two of my favorite homicidal maniacs that I see as I drive to work on Interstate 10 in Houston every day. I can truthfully say that the problems I see are not my fault, it’s you and him and her and them, I am sure that you can identify with most of them…
- Granny – the little blue-haired old lady driving her 10 year old Cadillac in the fast lane at 25 miles under the posted speed limit, with her blinker on (that has been on for the last 30 minutes) so short that she has to sit on a pillow so she can see over the steering wheel. It almost looks like either no one is driving the car or there is a little kid behind the steering wheel. She’s late for her Canasta Club so she is driving about 5 MPH faster than normal (she’s actually up to 32 MPH now) and has a death grip on the steering wheel, scared to death that someone is going to either hit her or a cop is going to pull over for speeding. Then when she needs to change lanes, she turns the blinker in the opposite direction than she is turning, which creates utter havoc as everyone slams on the brakes to keep from hitting her. But at least she will make it to her club on time!
- Farmer Freddie – driving on the shoulder, ½ on and ½ off the road, at a constant speed of 28 MPH so he can look at the crops and livestock on the side of the road (even though he’s on the Interstate, nearing downtown Houston which hasn’t had crops or cattle on the side of the road for 30 years). He never leaves enough room to pass and you never know when he may decide to swerve back over into the lane, but hey – at least he is waving at everyone as he drives down the road. Of course people are waving back at him, just not with all their fingers!
- Motorcycle Mike – where did you get your license, out of a Cracker Jack box? Swerving in and out of all the lanes, cutting across traffic, driving in between cars, then getting upset when someone honks their horn at you, doing wheelies just to show how cool you are, racing your buddy to the next exit then cutting across four lanes of traffic so you don’t pass the exit, but at least you’re wearing a helmet – even though the rest of your outfit is shorts, flip flops and a tank top.
- Harry Harley – you’re not quite as bad as Motorcycle Mike. Your problem is that your exhaust pipes are so loud that it sounds like an 18 wheeler coming down the road. You may not be driving as fast as Mike, but then again, how could you since you have handlebars six feet long and almost have to stand up just to reach them. With your leather jacket, skull cap, leather pants and motorcycle boots on, everyone is afraid to look at you for fear that you might get mad and call your gang over to “take care of business”. Little do they know, that your normal job is as a CPA, but you live for the weekend!
- Boombox Bobby – the entire back seat and trunk of your Monte Carlo are taken up by four foot speakers, woofers, tweeters and bass boosters turned up so high that all the vehicles next to you shake and rattle when you pull up next to them. It doesn’t matter that no one can understand the lyrics to the music, it’s all about the bass…bass… and more bass.
These are just a few of my “friends” that I meet on the road every day. There are a lot more, as I am sure you are aware. Stay tuned for part three coming next week.
My Speedbumps 